The title of this post comes from something the very wise woman I provide care for recently said when a visitor wished her a Happy Valentine’s Day on Saturday. She replied, “Okay, I will have Valentine’s Day on Saturday, but you can break a heart any time.”
I’ve been offline for a while and I’m still not online at home, and a large part of my current dismal financial situation and emotional instability is directly related to the horrible choices I’ve made regarding relationships. The last fiasco really was a dream come true gone horribly awry. I thought I’d finally met the man of my dreams, but he had a terminal illness. We both struggled for months with the pros and cons of starting a relationship before choosing in favor of what could go right over what could go wrong. Although he was unable to work, he refused to relocate, so I gave up my friends, social life and career possibilities to move in with him. His lifelong illness, cystic fibrosis, overcame him far sooner than either of us had anticipated. As if that wasn’t devastating enough, I found out after he died that his illness didn’t exempt him from having the same sexual perversions as anyone else. I stumbled across the websites he’d been visiting and found that he apparently wanted to be sleeping with his mother. Since I am nine years his senior, this was more than a little disturbing. At least now I know why he vehemently refused to let me hang a certain beautiful painting he had done of two lovers in our bedroom. I don’t want the thing anymore but I’m not sure how I can sell it knowing what it really represents.
Before I met him, I had been single for 14 years after my divorce. My second husband and father of my three sons beat the crap out of me and cheated on me the entire thirteen years we were together. My first marriage was short because even at the tender age of twenty, I was able to figure out that my husband was struggling with sexual orientation issues. But he was still a great guy and I would likely have still been friends with him today if it hadn’t been for the insanely jealous husband number two, who tore up the letters and birthday cards he’d sent me.
During the six years I spent earning my Master’s degree I was too focused on raising my children and doing well in school to worry about dating. I wasn’t looking for a father for my children and I hadn’t seen any husband material. I became known as a stuck up snob in the small cliquish community we lived in because no one could believe that I had far more important priorities. After all, a single mother with no child support and three mouths to feed should be grateful for the attention, right? And even though it was no secret that I had rejected every potential suitor in town, the married women whose husbands even looked sideways at me hated me.
I waited until after graduation and securing a job to begin dating again and had only one long term relationship. He was an attorney with a Mustang and a five bedroom house who took me out to wonderful places and on great vacations, but in four years I never met his parents or his children. Apparently I wasn’t good enough for him. He blamed it on his “failures” with his first two marriages and ex-wives who took him to cleaners. He stood to inherit millions and said he didn’t want to disappoint his father again – although I had never taken one cent from him. I had taken that old common vow of “Never Again” when I left him but still gave it one more try. Oh, the insanity of doing the same thing and expecting different results.
Over the past few months, I’m realizing that “Never Again” has finally taken hold – with a vengeance. Several months ago, I met someone who is kind, giving and generous and who has been very patient and more than appropriate. He has done me favors and a substantial amount of work on my aging vehicle without expecting sex – or anything else, for that matter - in return. He’s not bad looking, brilliantly intelligent, has a great personality and sense of humor. He even has a little money and a beautiful home. Everything I’d be looking for, if I was looking…..
And the very thought of getting into another relationship literally sends me into a panic attack, wanting to scream ”NO” at the top of my lungs and to run for the hills as fast as I can.
I’ve had many clients and even friends over the years who feel that they need to be in a relationship for financial security. Things are such a mess for me right now that having someone share expenses is actually becoming necessary – but I’d rather perish, alone than to make choices and compromises that could negatively impact my future.
Is this growth and independence or just plain stupid?
I’m not against “love” although I’m not sure that I agree that “everyone needs someone” anymore. It’s fine for everyone else, just not for me. I wonder if all of my Prince Charmings turning into Jabba the Hut have anything to do with that……. I have my dogs, cats, children and grandchildren to love. Being unable to devote my days to art and writing because I have to have a paycheck is all the struggle I can deal with at present.
And let me tell you – I am absolutely dreading what this man might do with this stupid Valentine’s Day coming up…..I’m about to have a panic attack because I don’t know how I would handle it. This is definitely someone who does not deserve to have his feelings hurt. I have come close to considering letting down the wall a few times but I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s not going to happen and he doesn’t need to be waiting around. I’m strongly against anyone else taking on my problems, I’m no day at the beach to live with and he can do better.
Some people will use Valentine’s Day to bring their feelings out into the open, to confirm their love to those closest t0 them and others just for an excuse to party. The day will cause rifts when it’s forgotten or a gift doesn’t live up to expectations, and there will likely be some instances of domestic violence as well. I hope that I’m not pushed into using the day for a polite rejection.
I know I won’t be the first to say that we shouldn’t need one special day to celebrate love, mothers, fathers, freedom, memories, presidents or even spiritual issues. I do hope that with the events of the past few years where we have been shown over and over that each moment may be the last time we see someone, we’ll all make more of an effort to appreciate each other every day of the year.
I suppose that you can heal a heart anytime, too.
romance and relationships
love
goals, plans, hopes
personal
